Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
