I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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