i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize