Old men and throwing up are my life now.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Randomize
