All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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