Do you still have your period?
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
