Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
