There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize