got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Ketchup is God's man juice
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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