so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
