It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
