Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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