Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
BRING THE BAGELS
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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