the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
