and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
