I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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