Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
