Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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