Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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