i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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