New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
