Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
