I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
