she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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