dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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