remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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