i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
