Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Randomize
