I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
