I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
