im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
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