please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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