He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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