I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
