I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
