the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
