I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
