Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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