That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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