happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
