We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
