Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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