Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
