my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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