Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
