direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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