True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
