I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Randomize
