I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
