my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
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