I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
