This is not my ceiling
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
