so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
