He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
