Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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