If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
