just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
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