Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
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