drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Ladies don't puke and tell
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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