i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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