i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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