mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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