Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Randomize
